4 Simple Steps To a Totally Emo Valentine’s Day

Once again, Valentine’s Day is almost upon us. Chances are, unless you’re young, wealthy, attractive and in a relationship that is less than six months old, you probably loathe this pretend holiday just as much as everyone else does. But it doesn’t have to be that way.  Why spend another lonely night curled up in the fetal position on the couch eating heart shaped pizza and dwelling on your affectionless existence? Why not try something new? Why not make this February 14th an emo Valentine’s Day?

Spending Valentine’s Day with a new found emo crush may not sound all that appealing, but hear me out. Fellas, unless you’re completely incompetent in the ways of seduction, you know there is truth in what I’m about to say next. Emotionally unstable chicks are easy. Emo chicks have emotional instability in unlimited supplies. So do emo dudes. And ladies, who doesn’t secretly love a project? Somewhere out there, some guyliner wearing emotional wreck is waiting for you to right his ship. And he’s probably listening to My Chemical Romance. Maybe you can fix that too while you’re at it. See? This V-day, emo is the way to go. But you’re going to have to do a few things to make it happen.

Step 1 – Find a Date

Valentine’s Day is coming fast. You need to find your emo date now. The time for trolling the pages of MySpace has passed, you’re going to need to step your game up by heading directly to emo-friends.com, which is apparently the #1 dating site for emo singles, if banner images are to be believed. And they’ve got the numbers to back it up, currently boasting just over 1,100 members. With a community that large, there is bound to be an emo boy or girl there for you. Just a heads up though, be prepared to settle for either one. Playing for both teams is so emo. They’ll think you’re a poseur if you don’t. Keep it real, y’all.

Step 2 – Impress Them With Your Verse

Just logging onto a dating site and sending an icebreaker or some shit isn’t going to automatically score you a date. You’re going to have to put in a little effort. After consulting the grammatically challenged website (emo is also being known as for the hot emo guys and emo girls kissing?) emo-corner.com, I discovered that in addition to random cutting, shitty music and ridiculously tight jeans, emo types also dig poetry. What could possibly be more romantic than that? In case you find yourself lacking in the poem writing department, fear not, just like any other problem in life there is a wikiHow article to help you through it. There’s even a sample poem. Check it!

“So I lie in the darkness, words buzzin’ in my head, buzzin’ in my head, thoughts of emptiness and death, buzzin’ in my head, buzzin’ in my head, I draw my final breath and…”

If that doesn’t get you in the door, nothing will.

Step 3 – Update Your Wardrobe

You can’t just show up to your Valentine’s Day emo adventure dressed like you just left your job as the bass player in a Vampire Weekend tribute band and hope to accomplish anything. For at least one night, you’re going to have to look the part. Again, emo-corner.com, quite possibly the most adorable site on the interweb this side of LOLcatz, has all the tips you need. Here’s what you’re going to need:

• skin tight women’s jeans (yep, guys have to wear women’s jeans also, it’s law)
• tight t-shirts, or at least as tight as your sickly frame will allow
• ridonkulously long bangs
• body piercings
• arm bands
• studded belt
• Chuck Taylor’s
• a blatant disregard for what future generations will say should pictures of you dressed like this ever surface

Step 4 – Date Night!

Finally, the big day is here!  Your profile on emo-friend.com caught SadBleakDesolate66′s eye. Your poem about your cat that hung itself and made you sad but not really because it was kind of a racist — was a smashing success.  You spent three hours at Hot Topic trying on Taking Back Sunday t-shirts.  There is nothing left to do but let the emo love happen.

Consider taking your date somewhere emo appropriate. Like the mall or, um, that’s all I got, the mall. Unless MySpace opens some kind of actual building, God forbid.  Consider finding one of those little photo booths and jumping in to take some pouty faced pictures. Make sure you practice your facial expressions. Looking as if you don’t care to have your picture taken is a skill that takes time to perfect. After that, just let the night take you where it will. Pepper your conversations with plenty of anecdotes about your broken home, your mom who just doesn’t get it, and how people think you’re crazy when you weep everytime Netflix sends you the wrong movie but you’re really not crazy it’s just that you’re in touch with your inner self and people should understand that but they don’t, they totally don’t and that’s why you wear so much black and pay someone $95 to make your hair look as if you just rolled out of bed at all times and… run on sentences are so emo.

Anyway, with these handy tips, you should be well on your way to a Valentine’s experience you’ll never forget.  No matter how much you wish you could.