The second season of HBO’s acclaimed vampire series True Blood is fast approaching (June 14th) and, honestly, we’re pretty damn excited. While the show is already jam packed with memorable characters, being a music site and all, we can’t help but wish that some of our favorite (or not) musicians could make a cameo appearance or two. Why? For starters, because some of them just look like they would fit the part. Others would maybe fit the part, but we mostly just want to see them die a violent on-screen death.
Here is who we have in mind…
6. Patterson Hood (of the Drive-By Truckers)
Potential Role: Werewolf
If looking at that picture of Patterson Hood, front man for the almighty Drive-By Truckers, leaves you with any questions as to why he would make for an excellent werewolf, well, you’ve probably never seen a werewolf before. He looks like he’s already in the throes of mid-lycanthrope transition. Slap an extra ounce or two of prosthetic fur on him and he’s camera ready. In addition to his remarkably furry exterior, he’s a born and raised southerner. True Blood takes place in the south. Seriously, this should have happened by now.
5. Marilyn Manson
Potential Role: Shape Shifter
Ha! Bet you thought I was going to go vampire on this one That would make sense. Marilyn Manson obviously has some sort of aversion to the sun, which is very much a vampire trait. But when you give it some thought, Manson makes way more sense as a shape shifter. Over the years he’s appeared before the camera as everything from a bad Alice Cooper rip-off to an androgynous freak show with a prosthetic rack to the skeevy guy who banged Rose McGowan from behind in Jawbreaker to on again off again Trent Reznor bff.
Not to mention the ultimate shape shift from edgy, perceived threat to the youth of America to his current incarnation as the least scary musician on earth this side of the Jonas Brothers. And while I can’t speak for the rest of the staff here, for my money, there is no musician I’d rather see meet a bloody on camera demise than Marilyn Manson. Just so long as it’s not a vampire that does the deed, because then, there’s a strong chance of him becoming immortal. Screw that noise.
4. Jack White
Potential Role: Vampire, Shape Shifter, Telepathic
Alright, enough about musicians I’d like to see slaughtered for now. Just one look at that pasty skin and Count Chocula grin would make Jack White an obvious candidate for joining the cast, the only question is, what role to choose? He’s certainly got the looks to walk right off the street to the front of the camera and make for a believable vampire, but why stop there? Given his tendency to be in upwards of forty different bands at one time, he could make for an interesting shape shifter. And while he’s not from the south, his ability to channel the sounds of delta blues musicians like Son House and Robert Johnson probably qualify him as a certified telepathic in some circles. If I had to guess, I’d say the equally telepathic Sookie Stackhouse probably can’t play drums for shit, maybe they could start a band!
3. Lemmy Kilmister
Potential Role: Another Werewolf – They come in packs right?
You know what I hate about Motorhead front man Lemmy Kilmister? Not a damn thing. I’m not so much convinced that he should be on True Blood as I am that he should be given his own True Blood spin-off. If vampires have their own town, surely the werewolves have to have one somewhere also, right? If so, Lemmy should be in charge. In case any producers or such are out there reading this, I already have the perfect name for his character. Ready? Lemmy Kilmister. Seriously, he’s got KILL in his name. Sure, there’s only one “L”, but that just means he can kill in 3/4 the time that it takes most people/mythical beasts. If he doesn’t get his own show, he at least deserves a spot on True Blood, preferably somewhere in the bar.
2. Billy Corgan
Potential Role: The whiny, self loathing vampire that everyone hates
Ah, Billy Corgan, often referred to as “the Nosferatu of rock” by people who say stupid stuff like that. Since we’re dealing strictly in fantasies for this article, let me share with you how the ending sequence of my fantasy all-star musician studded very special episode of True Blood would go. As night falls, Billy Corgan and his douchebag shape shifting pal Marilyn Manson are exiled from from Bon Temps by the townspeople for being generally unlikeable and petty. During a particularly intense cat fight over who used to be scarier, Lemmy morphs in from out of nowhere in full werewolf regalia and puts them out of the misery that is being a washed up rocker who has been trying too hard for a long, long time now. If “Ace of Spades” plays over the ending credits, you’ll hear no complaints from me.
1. Ozzy Osbourne
Potential Role: King of the Vampires (obviously)
Since we’re discussing vampires, I believe I’m bound by some unwritten dark underworld law to include Ozzy Osbourne in this list. Granted, on his landmark album Bark At the Moon he appeared on the cover as more of a werewolf sort of creature, but in real life, he’s 100% loveable vampire. And admit it, vampires they may be, but when it comes to True Blood, you just have to love (one of) them. How adorable would it be if Ozzy just stumbled into Bon Temps one day as the unintelligible, cantankerous yet still kind of loveable father of one of the other vampires? It’s not like it could do any harm to the straight out of your nightmares image he used to have. That MTV show obliterated that a long, long time ago.
So that’s the list. Feel free to take to the comments and calmly state your case for whatever rocker you feel was unjustly left off the list or, more likely, call me a failure at life for not including Robert Smith. Your choice.