Bret Michaels Pretty Much Has The Worst Body Ever

After taking it on the chin with diabetes, followed by an emergency appendectomy earlier this month, which was then followed by a near-fatal brain hemorrhage last week (as well as having a hairline apparently so disturbing it must continually be contained with a series of bandannas and cowboy hats, each one douchier than the last), it turns out Poison frontman Bret Michaels has yet another malady to contend with—according to ABC News, in the wake of the brain hemorrhage, Michaels has developed a side effect condition called hyponatremia, which causes seizures.

The condition develops from a lack of sodium and, apparently, the absolute worst karma that a human being could garner—quite possibly earned from introducing the world to the horrors of ‘Every Rose Has Its Thorn” as well as guitarist C.C. DeVille. Or it could be those musical collaborations with Miley Cyrus, music which I’m pretty sure technically counts as one of the final trumpets that announce the beginning of Armageddon.

Either way, the 47-year-old “rocker” (yeah, those are sarcasm quotes—hey, despite his bad luck, he ain’t exactly Mick Jagger) has basically been given the absolute worst body ever in terms of health.  The singer is now conscious, however, and is listed as being in stable condition; at least until he wakes up tomorrow and his right foot literally just falls off.

Michaels: “Aw, dude!”

Doctor: “Sorry, Bret—’every rose has its thorn,’ you know…”

Michaels: “That’s deep, dude.  Deep.  Now let’s bandanna that stump.”