Pop Music’s Presidential Cabinet

About a week ago, Wyclef Jean announced that he was running for the presidency of Haiti. Despite having no previous experience in the world of politics, Jean endeavors to revitalize a country that’s basically one, giant Hooverville made even more hopeless by a massive earthquake. That’s a huge, and mostly unheard of foray into the world of politics for a musician. This got us at BeatCrave to thinking about how the presidential cabinet would look like if the whole country decided to say screw it and elect famous pop stars to political office.

Title – President

Duties? Sign some documents, cut some red tape, be the leader of the free world. Average stuff, really. Getting to be diplomat numero uno means giving orders, and taking a lot of shit from people you could oh so easily obliterate with the press of a button. But, being that we Americans are nice guys and all, we tend to choose diplomacy, making this probably the least fun job on the planet.

Nominee: Bono

Geopolitical activism doesn’t get much bigger in music than Bono. Unlike, say, Madonna, Bono doesn’t offend any transcontinental sensibilities by being able to resist adopting and whisking away any African babies he happens to kiss on his way to curing AIDS, wiping out world hunger, and bringing back cookies & cream Twix bars. He’s been nominated three separate times (2003, 2005, 2006)) for the Nobel Peace Prize for philanthropy. Perhaps most impressively, pasty, Irish Bono received the NAACP Image Award’s Chairman’s Award in 2007, which is one more than our real president who’s actually black.

Title – Vice President

Duties? Nothing, really, except look sharp and be ready if the boss man catches an assassin’s bullet in the sternum.

Nominee: Bruce Springsteen

Apples to apples, being the Vice President is all about not embarrassing your boss. There’s probably no safer bet to not embarrass Bono than Springsteen. He’s been around. He goes with the flow. He made his bones representing the blue-collar Jersey little men, the ones who don’t look like ghettoized Ken Dolls.

Title – Sec. of State

Duties? Travel to distant countries. Negotiate foreign alliances. Explore strange, fascinating new cultures and try not to piss them off.

Nominee: Michael Stipe

Stipe once threatened to leave the country & settle in Great Britain if John McCain had been elected instead of Obama. This tells us two things:

1) He’s a passionate, passionate bald man

2) He doesn’t mind relocating for the greater good of his ego.

Also, he’s openly gay and looks like an emaciated version of John Malkovich - truly a man of all cultures, and countries.

Title – Sec. of the Treasury

Duties? Maintain fiscal responsibility, manage public debt, and make sure the economy doesn’t go down the crapper. Oops.

Nominee: Jay Z

You don’t go from living in the Marcy projects to raking in 83 million dollars a year without knowing a thing or two about dollars and cents. Forget even music. Jigga is one of the most lucrative and effective entrepreneurs in America, period. He owns record labels, clothing lines, nightclubs, and NBA franchises. Oh, and he also gets to come home to this every night. Go ahead, shoot yourself.

Title – Sec. of Defense

Duties? Pretty much what it sounds like. Formulate defense policies, and make sure we put up a decent scrap before the Chinese become our imperial overlords.

Toby Keith wants you! For sex stuff, apparently.

Nominee: Toby Keith

Toby Keith is like that redneck uncle in everybody’s family whose breath smells like Kodiak long cut, and prefers shooting to talking.

You can’t deny the man has a passion for hypothetically threatening to put his boot in someone’s ass and claiming it’s the American way.

Title – Sec. of Veteran Affairs

Duties? Compensate veterans so they don’t end up going crazy.

Nominee: Toby Keith

Did we mention Keith has a huge boner for soldiers and veterans? That probably went without saying, but his father served in the armed forces. If anybody has the heart and patience to take a legless, boozing, whoring Lieutenant Dan and turn him into an upright, clean-shaven, prosthetically-enhanced Lieutenant Dan and complete the Forrest Gump circle of veteran rehabilitation, it’s Toby Keith.

Title – Sec. of Agriculture

Duties? Make sure you don’t end up growing a third and/or fourth testicle from all the pesticides, insecticides, steroids, and fertilizer that went into most of the produce sitting in your fridge.

Nominee: Bob Dylan

While Bob Geldof and Harvey Goldsmith were helping Africa become the thriving economic metropolis it is today by organizing Live Aid, Dylan was the main inspiration behind the lesser-known Farm Aid – a benefit concert that helped raise money for American family farmers that was organized by Willie Nelson, Neil Young, and John Mellencamp. Dylan was born and raised in Minnesota, which means he knows three things: weird accents, accordions, and probably farming.

Title – Sec. of Health & Human Services

Duties? Advise el presidente on…health and human services.

Nominee: Madonna

Do you realize Madonna is 51 years old? Maybe botox and the clandestine wonders of plastic surgery had a helping hand in that, but still, perhaps she could teach us all a thing or two about the mystic, age-defying tricks of Jewish Yogi. Or perhaps the invigorating life surge that comes with adopting foreign orphans. Either way, nobody is more obsessed with looking young than Madonna. She’s like the mother you’ll never, ever want – perfect for political office.

Title – Sec. of Transportation

Duties? Provide an efficient public transportation system in accordance with environmental and defense needs.

Nominee: Every rapper in history

Someday, corn oil will flow in our gas tanks like wine and solar panels will start all of our vehicles with naught but the raw power of the Sun God. But that day isn’t today, so we have to go with a blinged-out, crunkified committee to take a giant dump on efficiency standards and add a little urban pizazz to the national motor landscape by proliferating bulletproofed Sedans, DUB-ed out minivans, and chrome-plated Silverado Hybrids.

Title – Sec. of Homeland Security

Duties? Protect the American motherland from the forces of evil… so basically crank the knob that controls the little threat-level icon on the corner of your screen between yellow, blue, red, orange, and green.

Red is bad, I’m pretty sure.

Nominee: Toby Keith

Here we go again.

Isn’t it better to have who ever’s in charge of dissuading invasions and large things from going boom be a little crazy?

Honestly, what could go wrong?

Be sure to let us know if we somehow missed out on a viable fake candidate for office in our comments section below!