Top 10 Sexiest, Most F’ed Up Album Covers of All Time
By Will Kriegshauser
The difference between a sexy, f’ed up album cover and a not sexy, f’ed up album cover anymore these days boils down to either showing up on one of these lists, or not. Thanks a lot, technology. Oh well, to commemorate a time & place where artists used nudity and the power of suggestion to either sell some records or piss a lot of people off via the album cover, we bring you the 10 sexiest covers that are also f’ed up, or the to most f’ed up covers that are also kind of sexy, whichever one you think is appropriate.
As an added bonus, we also feature a small gallery of honorable mentions, check it out now…
10. The Black Crowes – Amorica (1994)
It’s sexy because: It flawlessly represents all that is good and principled about America, namely the taint.
It’s f’ed up because: There seems to be a problem with the outgrowth.
9. Whitesnake—Love Hunter (1979)
It’s sexy because: It conjures up the best parts of Genesis—fanged serpents and a naked woman.
It’s f’ed up because: We don’t know if that snake is going to eat it or fuck it.
8. Grace Jones—Island Life (1985)
It’s sexy because: Grace Jones is a naked, Nubian, ballerina goddess who’s shiny and flawless enough to be a marble statue.
It’s f’ed up because: Grace Jones could totally eff you up. I mean, does anybody remember her in Conan The Destroyer?
7. Herbie Mann—Push Push (1971)
It’s sexy because: Herbie Mann looks like the white John Henry, except with a flute instead of a hammer. He makes you afraid of soft jazz, the kind of afraid that usually segues into oily foreplay.
It’s f’ed up because: Looking at that face, you’re not entirely sure what his intentions are with that flute in his hands.
6. Bob Geldof—Sex, Age & Death (2001)
It’s sexy because: You had no idea preachy, political, holier-than-thou Bob Geldof had it in him. First person camera shots don’t often get sex hair exactly right.
It’s f’ed up because: The girl on the cover looks unnervingly young. Wait, is that Kesha? Geldof, you sneaky bastard.
5. Kevin Rowland—My Beauty (1999)
It’s sexy because: Dexys Midnight Runners were semi-popular in the 80s. Groupies were also semi-popular in the 80s. Groupies have low standards. Dexys Midnight Runners’ groupies have even lower standards. Some of them are bound to still be alive to fawn over this, right? Right?
It’s f’ed up because: We all owe Kevin Rowland a big, fat, seething thank you for beating one of our cherished childhood momentos (Come On Eileen) to death with fishnet stalkings and a dress.
4. Ice-T—Gangsta Rap (2006)
It’s sexy because: His wife, playboy playmate and gigantic ass-connesour Coco, is all naked & stuff.
It’s f’ed up because: So is Ice-T. He’s got to be in his 50s by now.
3. The Slits—Cut (1979)
It’s sexy because: Screw Raquel Welch and her airbrushed, animal-skin bikini. These early British punk-rockers look like they just got done tearing her a new one in the mud-wrestling octagon.
It’s f’ed up because: They look like a 70s, B-movie Amazonian high council that specializes in castrations and forced male bondage.
2. Lords of Acid—Pussy (1998)
It’s sexy because: It looks like a double-entendre from the year 2050. A magical year, indeed. A year where kids cartoons are seamlessly integrated into your grandchildren’s elementary school sex-ed classes.
It’s f’ed up because: Like a starving, heartless, reticulated python, the vagina looks like it’s swallowing the helpless little kitty one section at a time until only the head is left to ponder its sexified doom, sort of like how Quint dies in JAWS.
1. Nashville Pussy—Let Them Eat Pussy (1998)
It’s sexy because: It signifies the one market Joe Francis has yet to discover and exploit for Girls Gone Wild—farms.
It’s f’ed up because: It looks like something Toby Keith would dream of after dropping LSD, listening to Purple Haze, and biting down on the lemon right before he suffocates.
Honorable Mentions:
Sebastien Tellier - Sexuality (2008)
2 Live Crew - As Nasty As They Wanna Be (1989)
Fun-Da-Mental - Erotic Terrorism (1998)
Think we missed out on something? You can never have enough disturbing sexuality.
