It’s barely been ten days since Rebecca Black’s infamous tune ‘Friday’ became a viral hit, but it’s already earned a variety of honors: 40 million views, an array of parodies, Morning TV appearances to beat the band, and, most notoriously, the title of the worst song of all time.
But is this last bit really true? Is this thirteen-year-old sensation’s recording of a hastily written song from ARK Productions really the worst song anybody’s ever heard? Hardly. There are dozens hundreds of originals littering YouTube (‘Chocolate Rain’, anyone?) that are much worse, and that’s before you even get to any of the songs released by the contestants of ‘American Idol’.
That’s too easy though. Surely a bunch of amateurs can compose dozens of clunkers worse than Miss Black’s, but against the pros, she must end up as the worst, right? Wrong again. She wouldn’t even crack the top six of songs released by legitimate artists intent on making their musical mark.
Here are six aural offenders even worse than Rebecca Black’s “Friday”…
“(It’s Time To) Beat Dat Beat” by DJ Pauly D
Okay, before you raise your objections as to whether or not this ‘Jersey Shore’ lothario is actually a serious musician, remember that Pauly D was a club DJ for years before he graced everyone’s favorite bit of seaside trash. Also, keep in mind that after the show’s first season Pauly D was turning down $50,000 to go to bars because he only wanted to make appearances as a DJ. Ipso facto, he’s a serious musician. At least in his own mind.
We can also separate him from the typical YouTube rabble based on the fact that this song received gobs of airplay for several months at a time. This despite the fact that it doesn’t really have the qualities normally required of a song. Instead, it’s just a loose collection of other songs that don’t compliment each other in any way. Like somebody just hit 18 random iTunes playlists and dared them to sing a round with each other.
The result seems like Girl Talk’s training first attempt at a mashup, or something he recorded while he was asleep. The fact that the only real lyric we here in this song is “Beat Dat Beat Back”, a reference to punching the floor while surrounded by Guidos, puts this decidedly lower than “Friday”.
“Whatzupwitu” by Eddie Murphy and Michael Jackson
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It’s common to stop at “Party All The Time” and move on when extolling the ills of Eddie Murphy’s musical career, but that leaves this day-glo torture chamber completely unscathed. A song where Eddie Murphy finds his voice either aided by helium or AutoTuned by a Chipmunk. It’s unclear which, but however he managed to perform this vocal contortion, it did allow him to screech the song’s non-sensical title at pitches so high the video became required viewing in dog obedience classes (probably).
At least Murphy got Michael Jackson to join him due to the song’s positive lyrics such as: “We can’t stop this world/’Cause it’s not/Our world we can just jack/Each other up” or “Heavenly father mighty patient/He got your number peeped/Your disease.” That’s much more ridiculous than just saying the word “Fun” 478 consecutive times.
The fact that it was a bigger hit in France than anywhere else serves as the ultimate proof that this song should be at the bottom of any list. Unless of course, it’s a list of musical embarrassments.
“Sex (I’m a…)” by Berlin
From the group that brought you “Take My Breath Away” comes a song that will take your lower jaw away as you attempt to take collect your chin from the floor. A supposed breakdown of the male/female relationship set to a ridiculous early-80s dance beat, this 4-minute repetitive bit of attempted eroticism is really just a woman saying all the different roles she plays in a man’s mind while the weirdest voice you’ve ever heard continues to say, “I’m a Man.”
We get it! According to you the woman is objectified in a relationship while the man continues to simply be “the man” the entire time. Somehow telling us the orders of the days of the week is more subtle than this 2 x 4 of a message.
“The Living Years” by Mike + The Mechanics
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Just remember, kids. It’s too late when we die to tell people that we liked them. And we need a choir of 12-year-olds to tell us that in the creepiest way possible.
At least Rebecca Black didn’t subject us to anything that will both haunt our nightmares and make us feel lousy about the way we’ve treated everyone we’ve ever met. Say it loud, everyone. Say it loud.
“(You’re) Having My Baby” by Paul Anka
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A bigger hit than the previous entries on this list which is amazing considering it contains lines about abortion, seeds growing and misogynist views on childbirth.
Yes, this song managed to top the charts for two weeks in the seventies. It’s certainly worth breaking down line-by-line, but no more convincing argument can be made for its being a worse song than “Friday” than simply directing you to click “play” on the YouTube clip and be held aghast for 3 minutes of horrifying misguidedness.
Every Black Eyed Peas Hit
It’s kind of impossible to choose and it’s not hyperbole either. You could go with the horribly offensive “Let’s Get Retarded” and talk about the group’s celebration of being mentally handicapped. Or you could describe how “Boom Boom Pow” provides nothing more than the same monotonous beat repeated endlessly while people yell behind it. Or how “I Gotta Feeling” does pretty much the same exact thing.
But if you forced a choice. If there had to be one stinker to top the list, it would be their miserable pseudo-cover of “(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life”. To, wit…
Finally, if anybody wants to make a claim that “Friday” is the worst music video ever made, they need look no further than this video to be refuted absolutely…
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What other songs do you think are worse than ‘Friday’?
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